lost and found

I found my livejournal which chronicles 2005 which should be titled the Amanda, Sue, David, Don chronicles. 2005 was the most insane year of my life. I graduated high school in may of 2004. lived the summer up. turned 18 in october 2004 with my best friend Dave who made me a confetti cake and we split a 12 pack. winter passed and 2005 began. 2005 was sex, drugs, rock n roll. october 2005 I got pregnant. I feel like I fit 5 years of life experiences into 1 year.

wow.

http://stunnedbyurkiss.livejournal.com/

what about your friends...

birthday in 9 days.
chiropractor today. I love having a crush on my doctor.
work today.
class tonight.
maybe some gym. I need to go.

things are getting better. I am having a few issues but am trying to work the kinks out.
I am not going to try to figure out things I dont know.

I have been letting the wall down or something... I have been feeling let down. I know that I am in control of that and I need to def work on that one.

Its 6:30. I woke up for no reason. back to bed until work.

trapped... under ice.

I keep thinking...
I wish I didn't think so much.
"all I want is what I deserve and what I've earned..."
some days I don't even know what that is.

I thought that I had come really far. I thought that I this was what I wanted. I thought this was a new chapter in my life. I thought I was happy with my decision. I thought too much.

I think I am lying to myself. The life I was living was what I chose. The life I have been living the past few weeks is what I feel like I was coerced into. I know I can change at any moment. I feel like I keep making the wrong changes. But what is right? What is wrong?

There are somethings going on that I can't and will never understand. How do I push those things from my mind? Why can't I understand? I am living in a world that I do not understand, that I may never understand.

Last night I felt like a shell. I didn't know who I was, what I was doing, why I was here? I am working towards what? I am repeating a 24 hour cycle for what? I tell myself I am here for a reason, to make a mark. But am I really?

You know... I admitted was powerless and my life had become unmanageable. I really thought that a power greater than myself could restore my sanity. I made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understood God. I did a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I admitted to God, to myself, my friends, to my family the exact nature of my wrongs. But for some reason I am not entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I think what I want is instant gratification, which is not reasonable. BUT WHY NOT!?

I think I have lost myself again. I am not going to attempt to blame myself or anyone for this loss. I am going to give myself a nice week of life without phone or computer. I am going to try to get back to reality. Focus on school, focus on work, focus on getting out of debt, focus on me, focus on Ella.

I need to get back to my pma.
...my pyt, my dab, my dtf.

I just want to move to an island with London, Sassy, Ella and Ruby. Solve all my problems with starting fresh. Maybe Richmond can be my island.

I have come to associate Maryland with the bad and the ugly. I need to remember the good. There has been so much bad and ugly here. I want to peace out on it. Start good, stay good.

All I want to do is cry and I can't.

throw some cheese on it...

so I am back. ready to do this.

I have a list in my head... I am ready.

I learned so much about myself the past few days. They are things that will stick with me the rest of my life. Words can not explain how ecstatic I am to begin this chapter of my life.


Beach friday... roadtrip thursday!

Oh got get up kids tickets and ate at Bens Chili Bowl with my favorite girls.

I have a lot more on my mind but want to go love on Ella.

your eyes? my heart?

I have slipped into "not giving a fuck" mode. I have not been here in a long time.

I feel as if I have tried my hardest and my hardest is not good enough. I have turned into a creep.

When you were here before. Couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather. In a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so very special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around. You're so very special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here. ohhhh, ohhhh... She's running out again. She's running out. She run run run run...run... run...Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. You're so very special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here?I don't belong here. I don't belong here...

I have always tried to live my life to fullest and ask questions along the way if I feel necessary. Lately I have been asking questions that are relatively simple to me... but I am not getting answers. Its weird when you know someone so well. At one point you could look in their eyes and see all the answers to things you weren't sure of. As of late when I look... I see nothing. I am not living my life to seek out answers. Seek and you shall find is null and void. I am not seeking. I am asking. Plain and simple. I try to make things simple. I do not like this.

On an up note... the weather is AMAZING.

ever so sweet...

Things are going.

The past few weeks have been for the most part amazing. I had an awesome mothers day. It was a sort of turning point. I realized how lucky I am. My daughter is amazing. She is so perfect I just want to squeeze her forever. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, has the best laugh, says I love you out of no where, gives amazing hugs and the best sloppy kisses. I want this moment to last forever.

I have a new found friendship with Don. I am really content and like where things are. He is a beautifully amazing person and I am glad to have him in my life.

I have continued hibernation until the first day of summer. I have been doing some impulsive shopping for my debut. I like my home. I like my friends I talk to on the regular. I like things simple. Things are simple right now. Things are good. Simple is my new black.

I did some good shopping today...
First I freecycled and got a hydrangea sprout along with some Japanese lantern clippings... pictured above. Amazing!

Salvo... 2 books for me, 2 books for Ella, 1 white Vneck and 1 plaid shirt for some guy.
I also purchased a sundress... I am in a "tube top" kick. The dress is a "tube" and a plaid "tube" shirt AND fake Sperrys. I am all about the bargain these days. Also picked up some windows that were FREE.

Now my bed is calling my name.

I against... I.

That secret that we know. That we don't know how to tell. I'm in love with your honor, I'm in love with your cheeks.

I finally love myself. I feel like that is a big step. I am so happy. Things are getting so good I can't bear it. The pessimist in me keeps thinking all good things come to an end. But the optimist in me is saying... who knows when the end is?!

Winter/fall were rough. Rougher than what I previously thought was rough. I like this place. I like where I am. I like the people in my life.

I think I have figured out where I want to move.
Contrary to me being in love with myself I have now come to a halt in my career goals. Lots of confusion... but... it will all work out. I am really trying to embrace this take it easy mentality.

Tomorrow is going to be so good. I love sunday fundays in pa. HAH. HAH.