your eyes? my heart?

I have slipped into "not giving a fuck" mode. I have not been here in a long time.

I feel as if I have tried my hardest and my hardest is not good enough. I have turned into a creep.

When you were here before. Couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather. In a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so very special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around. You're so very special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here. ohhhh, ohhhh... She's running out again. She's running out. She run run run run...run... run...Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. You're so very special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here?I don't belong here. I don't belong here...

I have always tried to live my life to fullest and ask questions along the way if I feel necessary. Lately I have been asking questions that are relatively simple to me... but I am not getting answers. Its weird when you know someone so well. At one point you could look in their eyes and see all the answers to things you weren't sure of. As of late when I look... I see nothing. I am not living my life to seek out answers. Seek and you shall find is null and void. I am not seeking. I am asking. Plain and simple. I try to make things simple. I do not like this.

On an up note... the weather is AMAZING.

ever so sweet...

Things are going.

The past few weeks have been for the most part amazing. I had an awesome mothers day. It was a sort of turning point. I realized how lucky I am. My daughter is amazing. She is so perfect I just want to squeeze her forever. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, has the best laugh, says I love you out of no where, gives amazing hugs and the best sloppy kisses. I want this moment to last forever.

I have a new found friendship with Don. I am really content and like where things are. He is a beautifully amazing person and I am glad to have him in my life.

I have continued hibernation until the first day of summer. I have been doing some impulsive shopping for my debut. I like my home. I like my friends I talk to on the regular. I like things simple. Things are simple right now. Things are good. Simple is my new black.

I did some good shopping today...
First I freecycled and got a hydrangea sprout along with some Japanese lantern clippings... pictured above. Amazing!

Salvo... 2 books for me, 2 books for Ella, 1 white Vneck and 1 plaid shirt for some guy.
I also purchased a sundress... I am in a "tube top" kick. The dress is a "tube" and a plaid "tube" shirt AND fake Sperrys. I am all about the bargain these days. Also picked up some windows that were FREE.

Now my bed is calling my name.

I against... I.

That secret that we know. That we don't know how to tell. I'm in love with your honor, I'm in love with your cheeks.

I finally love myself. I feel like that is a big step. I am so happy. Things are getting so good I can't bear it. The pessimist in me keeps thinking all good things come to an end. But the optimist in me is saying... who knows when the end is?!

Winter/fall were rough. Rougher than what I previously thought was rough. I like this place. I like where I am. I like the people in my life.

I think I have figured out where I want to move.
Contrary to me being in love with myself I have now come to a halt in my career goals. Lots of confusion... but... it will all work out. I am really trying to embrace this take it easy mentality.

Tomorrow is going to be so good. I love sunday fundays in pa. HAH. HAH.