trapped... under ice.

I keep thinking...
I wish I didn't think so much.
"all I want is what I deserve and what I've earned..."
some days I don't even know what that is.

I thought that I had come really far. I thought that I this was what I wanted. I thought this was a new chapter in my life. I thought I was happy with my decision. I thought too much.

I think I am lying to myself. The life I was living was what I chose. The life I have been living the past few weeks is what I feel like I was coerced into. I know I can change at any moment. I feel like I keep making the wrong changes. But what is right? What is wrong?

There are somethings going on that I can't and will never understand. How do I push those things from my mind? Why can't I understand? I am living in a world that I do not understand, that I may never understand.

Last night I felt like a shell. I didn't know who I was, what I was doing, why I was here? I am working towards what? I am repeating a 24 hour cycle for what? I tell myself I am here for a reason, to make a mark. But am I really?

You know... I admitted was powerless and my life had become unmanageable. I really thought that a power greater than myself could restore my sanity. I made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understood God. I did a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I admitted to God, to myself, my friends, to my family the exact nature of my wrongs. But for some reason I am not entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I think what I want is instant gratification, which is not reasonable. BUT WHY NOT!?

I think I have lost myself again. I am not going to attempt to blame myself or anyone for this loss. I am going to give myself a nice week of life without phone or computer. I am going to try to get back to reality. Focus on school, focus on work, focus on getting out of debt, focus on me, focus on Ella.

I need to get back to my pma.
...my pyt, my dab, my dtf.

I just want to move to an island with London, Sassy, Ella and Ruby. Solve all my problems with starting fresh. Maybe Richmond can be my island.

I have come to associate Maryland with the bad and the ugly. I need to remember the good. There has been so much bad and ugly here. I want to peace out on it. Start good, stay good.

All I want to do is cry and I can't.