my chemical romance.

there is way to much going on in my head right now.

I wish there was a way to tell if what I am doing is the right thing to do. I am sick of waiting to find out... especially when I find out that I didn't do the right thing.

One day at a time is easier said than done.

I also owe $515 to the city of Philadelphia.

Hey Philly,
You can kiss my ass. I hate you. My relationship with your city has been shitty since day one. Except... Pennypack Park. I miss you.

CONFLICTED.

miss really important days of school and go to spain.
stay around for school and go to south carolina.

the answer is pretty obvious... but those few days of school are very important.
mother fucker.

been busy. tired. let down. picked up. inked. lurking. losing my balls. up too late everynight. watching ATL. thinking... fuck richmond. FTW for that matter. seeing light at the end of the tunnel. falling back in love with fm radio. enjoying the people who matter the most. I feel good.

Only one thing bothering me... where did my confidence go? did Don take it? I have to be able to get it back. I have the normal confidence but not the extra confidence to converse with the attractive male when I want to do so. I have beer confidence but I miss my good ol' honest confidence. New thing to work on I guess.

Brunch, manicure, pedicure tomorrow. Lady like.

I want to start talking in abbreviation only.
JDLR, FTW, etc. I really like JDLR.

weirdo.

short, simple, to the point, self explanatory.

twopostday

I am home. Work interrupted plans. Again.
I am going to throw in the towel.
Maybe I should find jobless people to make plans with.
Work is work though. It happens
There is tomorrow. Always tomorrow and other days.
Still bummed.

The next person who cancels or reschedules a hang out with me is going to get it. I mean really get it. Part of me just wants to not get sitters and start canceling on people. But I actually want to follow through on my plans.

Had a really good girl talk sesh last night. Its really weird that 3 completely different people are all going through the same bullshit right now. I think DAB is still in effect. Until further notice.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Apprehensive about tonight... but nonetheless excited.

Its a busy weekend with a lot of time dedicated to myself. Well the nights are mine. The days are all for Ella. I am really excited for this weekend. I think things are starting to turn around.

Dear weekend,
If you are around and listening... Please be good. Please?!

Dear ottobar,
I don't know why I frequent you.

Dear London,
Happy 1 year boo.

Dear self,
It is 8:45 and you need to get dressed, take you kid to daycare, and get to work by 9. Good luck. Step away from the internet.

Laurren aka Atlas

I am not in school mode.
I am over it.
I have been slowly taking classes since the Summer of 07. I guess I am coming up on my two year hurdle... when most people drop out.

I can't afford to drop out. I have 4 more classes to take. Spring 09 (Micro). Summer 09 (Dev Psych). Fall 09 (A&P1). Spring 10 (A&P2). Then I can apply to the nursing program which is 2 years full time with 7 a.m. clinicals. Woo hoo!

I get really stressed when I think about this. I am getting a 3 year degree in 5 years. The extended plan. Slowly but surely. I just don't know how much longer I can continue to work 2 jobs and go to school on top of life in general.

I currently feel like the female version of Atlas. If there was one.

I find myself saying... Once I get through this week it will be ok. But that is turning into every week.

Oh Feb.
10thLondon, Sassy, Ella, Ruby day!
11th Micro exam will be complete.
15th I get tattooed which is always good.
16th I will be with London & Mongoz.
21st Girls day w/ Erin.

I just want vacation. This weather is amazing!

FTW4L

I managed to do a lot of nothing today.
I currently should be running. I am sitting here all geared up with one shoe on and the other next to me.

I am more exhausted than usual. As well as less motivated.

I managed to dye my hair almost black in an attempt to cancel out the red. I hate the fact that there is so much color on my hair that it never comes out just right.

There were so many good buys today...
Reservoir Dogs $7
Dazed & Confused $7
Ultimate Jackson 5 $9
The Best of The Commodores $4
French Connection Jacket $10
Running Pants $10
Tattoo deposit $50

I can not wait for next weekend.

my night consisted of:

california pizza kitchen
sangria
the porn store
the wire
treadmill


...so good.

total eclipse of the heart.

woke up super late.

had to drop E off, office store for micro index cards, then library to print homework since I have no ink, doctor appt. @ 11, school @ 12:30.

I wake up to SNOW. Bittersweet... so happy and so pissed because I didn't allow time for this. I pack E up for daycare. Then my therapist calls to cancel. Again... bittersweet. On one hand I have more time now but on the other I haven't gone in 2 weeks and kind of actually want to go. So then I figure I will check the usual online before I head out... myspace, email, bank account to make sure its all good.

All good is an understatement. My freaking MD refund has been deposited! I was not expecting this for weeks... I had $15.52 in checking. I love you maryland for my tax breaks and nice refund. You made my day. Now I will probably do something dumb like get tattooed. Actually its getting transferred to savings so it isn't sitting in my wallet on a piece of plastic tempting me.

My day has turned around. Now its time to clear my car off and hope the day continues to get better...

Today was my first day of not going to class.

I think sleep was more important.



I want to get rid of my cell phone. Again.

To the youth of Baltimore...

Get the fuck off the streets. Stop pushing for your heartless dealer. Stop going to the Belvedere. Take the light rail to a county school. Graduate. Get a good job. Don't do to your kids what your parents have done to you.


Last night I had a run in with the rudest group of kids. They were probably between the ages of 12-15. They were so disrespectful and obnoxious. After leaving them I see two other kids that are no older than 15 in cuffs getting searched. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS!



I keep having uneventful evenings. Maybe its a sign I should stay home and actually study. I feel like I am no fun. It was really nice seeing friends last night though. I think those fucking asshole kids really got to me.

I am really not in a school mind set yet. I feel like the past two semesters I have been sliding by. I think after Don and I go to court my life will be better. I hope it will be. I hope it settles all of my what if thoughts. I didn't know it but March 2nd is... THE DAY. Like the day that everything gets settled. I thought there was more of a process to it. Maybe it would be more drawn out... but on March 2nd custody, visitation and child support will be worked out!!! That should be a big relief.

I am off to super bowl instead of study.