what about your friends...

birthday in 9 days.
chiropractor today. I love having a crush on my doctor.
work today.
class tonight.
maybe some gym. I need to go.

things are getting better. I am having a few issues but am trying to work the kinks out.
I am not going to try to figure out things I dont know.

I have been letting the wall down or something... I have been feeling let down. I know that I am in control of that and I need to def work on that one.

Its 6:30. I woke up for no reason. back to bed until work.

trapped... under ice.

I keep thinking...
I wish I didn't think so much.
"all I want is what I deserve and what I've earned..."
some days I don't even know what that is.

I thought that I had come really far. I thought that I this was what I wanted. I thought this was a new chapter in my life. I thought I was happy with my decision. I thought too much.

I think I am lying to myself. The life I was living was what I chose. The life I have been living the past few weeks is what I feel like I was coerced into. I know I can change at any moment. I feel like I keep making the wrong changes. But what is right? What is wrong?

There are somethings going on that I can't and will never understand. How do I push those things from my mind? Why can't I understand? I am living in a world that I do not understand, that I may never understand.

Last night I felt like a shell. I didn't know who I was, what I was doing, why I was here? I am working towards what? I am repeating a 24 hour cycle for what? I tell myself I am here for a reason, to make a mark. But am I really?

You know... I admitted was powerless and my life had become unmanageable. I really thought that a power greater than myself could restore my sanity. I made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understood God. I did a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I admitted to God, to myself, my friends, to my family the exact nature of my wrongs. But for some reason I am not entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I think what I want is instant gratification, which is not reasonable. BUT WHY NOT!?

I think I have lost myself again. I am not going to attempt to blame myself or anyone for this loss. I am going to give myself a nice week of life without phone or computer. I am going to try to get back to reality. Focus on school, focus on work, focus on getting out of debt, focus on me, focus on Ella.

I need to get back to my pma.
...my pyt, my dab, my dtf.

I just want to move to an island with London, Sassy, Ella and Ruby. Solve all my problems with starting fresh. Maybe Richmond can be my island.

I have come to associate Maryland with the bad and the ugly. I need to remember the good. There has been so much bad and ugly here. I want to peace out on it. Start good, stay good.

All I want to do is cry and I can't.

throw some cheese on it...

so I am back. ready to do this.

I have a list in my head... I am ready.

I learned so much about myself the past few days. They are things that will stick with me the rest of my life. Words can not explain how ecstatic I am to begin this chapter of my life.


Beach friday... roadtrip thursday!

Oh got get up kids tickets and ate at Bens Chili Bowl with my favorite girls.

I have a lot more on my mind but want to go love on Ella.

your eyes? my heart?

I have slipped into "not giving a fuck" mode. I have not been here in a long time.

I feel as if I have tried my hardest and my hardest is not good enough. I have turned into a creep.

When you were here before. Couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather. In a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so very special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around. You're so very special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here. ohhhh, ohhhh... She's running out again. She's running out. She run run run run...run... run...Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. You're so very special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here?I don't belong here. I don't belong here...

I have always tried to live my life to fullest and ask questions along the way if I feel necessary. Lately I have been asking questions that are relatively simple to me... but I am not getting answers. Its weird when you know someone so well. At one point you could look in their eyes and see all the answers to things you weren't sure of. As of late when I look... I see nothing. I am not living my life to seek out answers. Seek and you shall find is null and void. I am not seeking. I am asking. Plain and simple. I try to make things simple. I do not like this.

On an up note... the weather is AMAZING.

ever so sweet...

Things are going.

The past few weeks have been for the most part amazing. I had an awesome mothers day. It was a sort of turning point. I realized how lucky I am. My daughter is amazing. She is so perfect I just want to squeeze her forever. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, has the best laugh, says I love you out of no where, gives amazing hugs and the best sloppy kisses. I want this moment to last forever.

I have a new found friendship with Don. I am really content and like where things are. He is a beautifully amazing person and I am glad to have him in my life.

I have continued hibernation until the first day of summer. I have been doing some impulsive shopping for my debut. I like my home. I like my friends I talk to on the regular. I like things simple. Things are simple right now. Things are good. Simple is my new black.

I did some good shopping today...
First I freecycled and got a hydrangea sprout along with some Japanese lantern clippings... pictured above. Amazing!

Salvo... 2 books for me, 2 books for Ella, 1 white Vneck and 1 plaid shirt for some guy.
I also purchased a sundress... I am in a "tube top" kick. The dress is a "tube" and a plaid "tube" shirt AND fake Sperrys. I am all about the bargain these days. Also picked up some windows that were FREE.

Now my bed is calling my name.

I against... I.

That secret that we know. That we don't know how to tell. I'm in love with your honor, I'm in love with your cheeks.

I finally love myself. I feel like that is a big step. I am so happy. Things are getting so good I can't bear it. The pessimist in me keeps thinking all good things come to an end. But the optimist in me is saying... who knows when the end is?!

Winter/fall were rough. Rougher than what I previously thought was rough. I like this place. I like where I am. I like the people in my life.

I think I have figured out where I want to move.
Contrary to me being in love with myself I have now come to a halt in my career goals. Lots of confusion... but... it will all work out. I am really trying to embrace this take it easy mentality.

Tomorrow is going to be so good. I love sunday fundays in pa. HAH. HAH.

I slept until noon today. It felt really good.

I am so content and so happy with my life right now. Everything is going so well. Everything is moving in the right direction.

I have had just the break that I needed. Its ended up being a 5 weekend and only spent $150. The best. Ella got some qt in with her Dad, MomMom, Frank and Uncle. I got some scarves, a couple books and a pretty sweet stencil on an ugly bag I had.


I love progression.

April 15th one of my brothers close friends killed himself.
This is the second one of my brothers friends to do this in the past year.
I don't know what is going on.
These are kids... 16... 17...

Something is going on. This kind of thing should never happen. Let alone twice in one year. I know I cant save the world but there has to be something to do.

Suicide is never the answer... I don't get what could be going on in these kids minds. They have so much ahead of them. Both kids were your average neighborhood kid. Come to find out the first kid was bullied, beat up and kicked out of a party. The kid last week had an argument with his girlfriend over her cheating. I just don't get it. It has really gotten under my skin.

Even at its worst life is worth living. I feel like hawking over my brother. I feel nauseous. Both instances my brother saw the kids hours before they ended their lives.

I am rambling but this has been on my mind for days and I can not grasp it. I know its pretty simple but there has to be something that I can do....?

today was BEAUTIFUL.

back to the reality of school and work to the max tomorrow.
spring break did me well...

ready for warm weather, sandals, cut off shorts, day trips, never on sunday grilled cheese, 40s and boys.

I am ready.

contemplating moving to philly?

I feel disappointed.

Once again I need to weed through my life. I feel like a little old lady with a mountain of pulled weeds next to her.

I am really trying to turn my thought process around... instead of thinking about working 2 jobs and going to school because he is a deadbeat... I need to just focus on how amazing my daughter is and how I am slowly but surely progressing in the right direction.

Vacation was good. I spent nearly $100 on gas which was a huge bummer. I thought on driving trips gas was split... live and learn. I could have gone solo and spent the same amaount of $. I have been back home for 3 days and am ready to leave again. Monday I lounged with Ella in the morning, worked, went bowling. Tuesday... work and drop my car off to get fixed. Again. Today... has consisted of lounging with Ella. Wooo SPRING BREAK! Going to work in a bit and grocery shopping. I plan on making an awesome dinner tonight.

So nervous. Ready for the weekend.

I am deleting numbers from my phone.

My phone is a figurative representation of my life.
By deleting their number they don't exist in my phone or in my life.

...especially since I don't answer unless I know who it is. Since I don't know the numbers by memory this should work out really well.

It will be annoying but beneficial.

please, please, please... let me get what I want.


this bag! I know I can find it cheaper on eBay.

I just want to listen to band of horses all day everyday.

inspired by London... I am rotating spring music. Band of Horse, The Get Up Kids, Cold World, Dandy Warhols, Commodores, Deftones, Dinosaur Jr. the rotation is slowly growing.

I have come to realize that this is not going to be easy... but I have made it this far. 2 more years. 2 more years!

be-in

its so sad when you waste hope on people who do not even have hope in themselves.


after my lapse of judgment over the weekend I am back on track. it took this weekend for me to realize that I am so happy. So happy and I never knew it. I love the life I have created for Ella and I in the past year. It has been trial and error and we have some rough spots but it is so perfect for now. I love my friends and family so much. I never realized how much mental strain was put on me from an unhealthy relationship. This past weekend of trying to help put me right back in the slump of no patience, frustration and exhaustion. I cleared my head today. It felt good. I cut all lose strings and I am ready to go...

I am still recovering form exhaustion but I have so much to look forward to. School is going. Not as great as I would like but I should be able to focus now. Most of all I am looking forward to South Carolina in 8 days. it is going to be 4 whole days of now work, no school, nothing! Just sand, sun, salty air and my good friend. Not Maryland!!!!!!!

Its time for bed. Last night was rough.

The world is a scary place.
It is really scary to see people you love slowly slip away.
Today was good. I feel good about where things are right now.

I went up to Philadelphia. Went to Pennypack Park which is my all time fave. It was different this time but still good. Got coffee. Went to Nifty Fiftys and got an upset stomach. Maybe it was the "whole shebang" burger... cheddar, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, relish, ketchup and mustard. Yeah.. it was def that. Plus spicy fries and cherry cola. But so good. Cried a little and realized things happen for a reason. No matter how horrible. Drove home... made it in 2 hours with no excessive speeding!

I learned a few things and feel like I made some steps forward. Overall... thumbs up.

my chemical romance.

there is way to much going on in my head right now.

I wish there was a way to tell if what I am doing is the right thing to do. I am sick of waiting to find out... especially when I find out that I didn't do the right thing.

One day at a time is easier said than done.

I also owe $515 to the city of Philadelphia.

Hey Philly,
You can kiss my ass. I hate you. My relationship with your city has been shitty since day one. Except... Pennypack Park. I miss you.

CONFLICTED.

miss really important days of school and go to spain.
stay around for school and go to south carolina.

the answer is pretty obvious... but those few days of school are very important.
mother fucker.

been busy. tired. let down. picked up. inked. lurking. losing my balls. up too late everynight. watching ATL. thinking... fuck richmond. FTW for that matter. seeing light at the end of the tunnel. falling back in love with fm radio. enjoying the people who matter the most. I feel good.

Only one thing bothering me... where did my confidence go? did Don take it? I have to be able to get it back. I have the normal confidence but not the extra confidence to converse with the attractive male when I want to do so. I have beer confidence but I miss my good ol' honest confidence. New thing to work on I guess.

Brunch, manicure, pedicure tomorrow. Lady like.

I want to start talking in abbreviation only.
JDLR, FTW, etc. I really like JDLR.

weirdo.

short, simple, to the point, self explanatory.

twopostday

I am home. Work interrupted plans. Again.
I am going to throw in the towel.
Maybe I should find jobless people to make plans with.
Work is work though. It happens
There is tomorrow. Always tomorrow and other days.
Still bummed.

The next person who cancels or reschedules a hang out with me is going to get it. I mean really get it. Part of me just wants to not get sitters and start canceling on people. But I actually want to follow through on my plans.

Had a really good girl talk sesh last night. Its really weird that 3 completely different people are all going through the same bullshit right now. I think DAB is still in effect. Until further notice.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Apprehensive about tonight... but nonetheless excited.

Its a busy weekend with a lot of time dedicated to myself. Well the nights are mine. The days are all for Ella. I am really excited for this weekend. I think things are starting to turn around.

Dear weekend,
If you are around and listening... Please be good. Please?!

Dear ottobar,
I don't know why I frequent you.

Dear London,
Happy 1 year boo.

Dear self,
It is 8:45 and you need to get dressed, take you kid to daycare, and get to work by 9. Good luck. Step away from the internet.

Laurren aka Atlas

I am not in school mode.
I am over it.
I have been slowly taking classes since the Summer of 07. I guess I am coming up on my two year hurdle... when most people drop out.

I can't afford to drop out. I have 4 more classes to take. Spring 09 (Micro). Summer 09 (Dev Psych). Fall 09 (A&P1). Spring 10 (A&P2). Then I can apply to the nursing program which is 2 years full time with 7 a.m. clinicals. Woo hoo!

I get really stressed when I think about this. I am getting a 3 year degree in 5 years. The extended plan. Slowly but surely. I just don't know how much longer I can continue to work 2 jobs and go to school on top of life in general.

I currently feel like the female version of Atlas. If there was one.

I find myself saying... Once I get through this week it will be ok. But that is turning into every week.

Oh Feb.
10thLondon, Sassy, Ella, Ruby day!
11th Micro exam will be complete.
15th I get tattooed which is always good.
16th I will be with London & Mongoz.
21st Girls day w/ Erin.

I just want vacation. This weather is amazing!

FTW4L

I managed to do a lot of nothing today.
I currently should be running. I am sitting here all geared up with one shoe on and the other next to me.

I am more exhausted than usual. As well as less motivated.

I managed to dye my hair almost black in an attempt to cancel out the red. I hate the fact that there is so much color on my hair that it never comes out just right.

There were so many good buys today...
Reservoir Dogs $7
Dazed & Confused $7
Ultimate Jackson 5 $9
The Best of The Commodores $4
French Connection Jacket $10
Running Pants $10
Tattoo deposit $50

I can not wait for next weekend.

my night consisted of:

california pizza kitchen
sangria
the porn store
the wire
treadmill


...so good.

total eclipse of the heart.

woke up super late.

had to drop E off, office store for micro index cards, then library to print homework since I have no ink, doctor appt. @ 11, school @ 12:30.

I wake up to SNOW. Bittersweet... so happy and so pissed because I didn't allow time for this. I pack E up for daycare. Then my therapist calls to cancel. Again... bittersweet. On one hand I have more time now but on the other I haven't gone in 2 weeks and kind of actually want to go. So then I figure I will check the usual online before I head out... myspace, email, bank account to make sure its all good.

All good is an understatement. My freaking MD refund has been deposited! I was not expecting this for weeks... I had $15.52 in checking. I love you maryland for my tax breaks and nice refund. You made my day. Now I will probably do something dumb like get tattooed. Actually its getting transferred to savings so it isn't sitting in my wallet on a piece of plastic tempting me.

My day has turned around. Now its time to clear my car off and hope the day continues to get better...

Today was my first day of not going to class.

I think sleep was more important.



I want to get rid of my cell phone. Again.

To the youth of Baltimore...

Get the fuck off the streets. Stop pushing for your heartless dealer. Stop going to the Belvedere. Take the light rail to a county school. Graduate. Get a good job. Don't do to your kids what your parents have done to you.


Last night I had a run in with the rudest group of kids. They were probably between the ages of 12-15. They were so disrespectful and obnoxious. After leaving them I see two other kids that are no older than 15 in cuffs getting searched. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS!



I keep having uneventful evenings. Maybe its a sign I should stay home and actually study. I feel like I am no fun. It was really nice seeing friends last night though. I think those fucking asshole kids really got to me.

I am really not in a school mind set yet. I feel like the past two semesters I have been sliding by. I think after Don and I go to court my life will be better. I hope it will be. I hope it settles all of my what if thoughts. I didn't know it but March 2nd is... THE DAY. Like the day that everything gets settled. I thought there was more of a process to it. Maybe it would be more drawn out... but on March 2nd custody, visitation and child support will be worked out!!! That should be a big relief.

I am off to super bowl instead of study.

Today was day 1 of my treadmill kicking my ass. I used to do some sort of physical activity for an hour every day. Something small but it kept me in shape. Then I kind of stopped when work and school piled up. I had no idea it would suck this bad to get myself back into the swing of this. It feels good though. Its also really nice to not have to pay a gym. I have no excuse... I can run in the warmth of my living room. I must admit my work out gear is pretty amazing!

Its only Tuesday but I am really looking forward to this weekend. I love weekends! Now that I am in school my weeks seem so jammed. School/work, Work, School/work, Work, Work/work. It goes by fast.

I was just reminded how great Hello Nasty is/was.
Going to bed.

Where is my mind?

Last night was _______.
I am sure any word you can think of would fit well.

Went to No Scrubs. Wore the worst shoes. Had so much fun with London & William. David showed up. Walked barefoot in Fells... I am surprised my feet are still attached.

I woke up in the worst shape. Laid around all morning. I got to see snow. Once I finally motivated I ventured back to these parts to get Ella and ended up taking a nap with her for 3 hours. One of the many reasons I love my daughter.

My Great Grandfather is 89 today. 89!!!!

I am finally home and can not wait to sleep.

outlet.

So unproductive.

Made it to work by 9. I just was not into it. I stared at my Microbiology textbook for an hour reading the same sentence over and over.

Work picked up so I stepped away form the book.

Didn't work job #2 today.

Instead I went up to UB with Rita. Then went to Marley Macys and Nordstroms again for free stuf.

It was weird walking the same streets I have walked so many times before with my daughter. I felt like she knew the truth. Not that I lie to her. I just felt like she could sense... Mommy walked down this street with some scumbag. In reality she has no idea. It makes me wonder what I am doing walking with a 'scumbag'. Its a safety net and I am not sure why I feel the need to utilize it. Its a comfort zone. Its just easier.

But me being a paranoid freak thinking Ella has insider info made me think... wtf?! I have a role as Mommy. I have a role as single 22 year old. I don't know what I am doing. I do this day by day. I wish I had a handbook sometimes. The roles don't interfere. I guess walking with Ella down streets I have crawled is an eye opener? No street crawling in 09. Less beer this year.

I'm weird. I rule. I do a great job.

SO excited for friday... I will not behave. This I know. I figure wylin out once a month is healthy. Yeah. Healthy.

I am going to try to force myself to write daily.

Today didn't start the way I would have hoped.

I was woken by by phone vibrating in my face at 7 a.m. When I was almost positive I had set it for 9 a.m. I love the days when I can sleep in... today being one of them. My phone goes off again. I soon realize it is not my messed up alarm it is my Mother calling from outside the house attempting to get the last of her belongings. I do not like being the gatekeeper. I get up. Unlock the door and go back to bed. I feel like I am being stuck in the middle of this divorce and need to put my foot down. I put my foot down today.

I had a decent morning following that. Nice therapy sesh.

And for microbiology... I am pretty sure it is brutality in the form of science. There is no turning back. I just need to get in the right mind set and I know I will be fine.

Work was work.
Dinner was awesome. I feel like there is nothing better than girl time and Lemongrass.

Ella had her first invite to a sleepover which means Mommy has a free night without having to find a sitter. It is really nice. I plan on spending my night with London... hopefully William and some great jams. It would be really nice if DMX was our entrance music again. I am realizing I kind of completely love No Scrubs. It has yet to let me down.


Today I realized that not all of the opposite sex are horrible. Just the ones I choose to interact with. I need to step up my selection process. It shouldn't be hard... I think it may be easier said than done. Sometimes it is just so easy. Too easy. Too available. No regression, only progression 2k9. I think that will be the slogan for this year. Years are better with slogans. Its positive and fitting. Maybe I will put that in effect in a few weeks. Regression is just so comfortable. I need to do it asap. The sooner the better.

oh...
Dear spell check,
DMX is not misspelled.
Get with it... Dark Man X aka Earl Simmons.
Thanks,
Laurren

premiere.

Nina Simone ...basically sums up how I am feeling today.
I am ready... I think I am ready. I feel ready for life... for the first time. It is a really good feeling and I wish everyone could feel what I feel.

Last year was full of trial, error and serious self doubt. Similar to the years before. I feel good. I really do. I think that I have a good grasp on things at this point and I have all of the people around me that I need.

School starts back tomorrow. Work is work. I would be really happy if I figured out a new income option but its hard to find something flexible with the pay that I need.

I drove up to NJ for the Mongoz show. The ride was good. I have a new found love for London after her singing None Of Your Business. The show was amazing. I think it was what I needed to get out of my slump. It worked.